You Don't Mess With a Pixie
by TwilitisVictim
Summary: Carlisle takes away Alice’s credit cards because he thinks she needs a break from shopping. Alice has a nervous/mental breakdown. Also, what happens when Alice recieves a text that was supposed to be to Bella?
1. Chapter 1

You Don't Mess With a Pixie

Co-written by: TwilitisVictim and Briecheese0

Summary: Carlisle takes away Alice's credit cards because he thinks she needs a break from shopping. Alice has a nervous/mental breakdown.

Alice's Journal 10/12/08

I'm so infuriated! Carlisle took away ALL of my credit cards today, and now little elves are telling me something… bad things…

Alice and Esme are sitting in the living room. Esme is reading a magazine. Alice is trying (and failing) to not lose the last shred of sanity she has.

* * *

Alice:*jumps up and down in her chair*

Esme: Could you just sit still, Alice?! I know Carlisle took away your credit cards, but the world isn't coming to an end.

Alice: What was that?

Esme: I said-

Alice: Not you, the elves!

Esme: Mmmmhmm… *ignores her craziness*

Alice: *nods head* okay, okay…OKAY!!!

Esme: Wha-

Alice: *smashes Esme's favorite table; laughs maniacally*

Esme: ALICE! What's gotten into you?

Alice: BEEP!

Esme: Huh?

Alice: That's the sound of my phone. Edward just texted me! *Looks at text*

BELLA IM BREAKING UP WITH YOU. IM GONNA GO "PLAY" WITH TANYA

Alice: Oops, wrong number. Better forward this to Bella so she gets the memo. Maybe Jacob gets his chance after all.

Esme: *in table replacement closet* I just don't know what gets into you teenagers

Alice: *matter-of-factly* hormones

Esme: Alice, are you feeling all right?

Alice: I'm feeling fit as a pickle

Esme: I think it's fiddle, dear.

Alice: No it's pickle! *Twitch, twitch*

Esme: Are you sure you're "fit as a pickle"?

Alice: *nervous breakdown* Well maybe, if you didn't pee in the flowers, your pudding wouldn't be so GREEN!!!!!

Esme: … *goes back to reading magazine* That's nice dear. Thinks: I hope Carlisle gets back soon… **((Authors' Note: Let's just say Carlisle ran away to some unknown country to hide the cards from Alice. Thank you so much for reading!!! Please Review. More Chapters will be up soon))**


	2. Chapter 2

**This chapter is for all three of you who actually reviewed! This continues from the last chapter where Bella responds to Alice's sending her Edward's message...that didn't make much sense...READ!!!**

Bella's Text:

WHAT?! IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE ALICE?

Alice's Text:

NO ACTUALLY I RECEIVED THIS FROM EDWARD BY MISTAKE SO I FORWARDED IT TO YOU

Bella's Text:

I THINK IM HAVING A NERVOUS/MENTAL BREAKDOWN

Alice:

JOIN THE PARTY

Bella:

I *twitch* DONT EVEN *twitch* WANT TO *twitch twitch* KNOW

Alice:

*solemn* WISE OF YOU

Bella: WHY DOESN'T HE WANT ME ANYMORE?! WHAT DID I DO?

Alice: I KNOW WHATS WRONG!

Bella: YOU DO?! TELL ME!!

Alice:*still eccentric* WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T MARRY THE DARK RAISINS YOU WOULDN'T BE SO RACIST!

Bella: TRUE DAT

Esme: Alice, you better not be buying anything online.

Alice: I'm not Esme. BEEP.

Bella's Text:

I NEED TO GO SEE JACOB BYE

Alice: Yesssssss! Oohhoohoo! I sound like a snake! Oh my Buddha I want a snake! I'm gonna go buy one!

Esme: Alice, No!

Alice: Shhhhh! The elves are speaking!

Hallucinatory Elves: No Alice. We musn't disobey the Book.

Alice: Yes, the book.

Esme: ???

Hallucinatory Elves: The Book says clearly on page 525 **((My favorite page of Eclipse teehee)) **that there will be no snake-buying in January.

Alice: No snake-buying in January, got it.

Esme: What?! It's not even January!

Alice: It is in Brazil.

Esme: Oh, okay then. Thinks: Does Carlisle hate me?


	3. Chapter 3

**Bella goes to Jacob's house and they "conversate"**

Bella: Doodoododo. *driving* BUMP!!! Woooopsie-daisy I just ran over someone's cat!...oh well... **(Doesn't mean she won't be welcome though. She's going to be over here a lot more.) ***Arrives at the Black's, goes inside, sees Jacob sitting on the couch*

Bella: Jacob I love youuuu!

Jacob: Not now Bella, I'm having a nervous/mental breakd-WHAT?!

Bella: I wuv you. Edward is in the mousetrap section of Bed, Bath, and Beyond somewhere in South Korea "playing" with Tanya so it's your turn!

Jacob: *does victory dance* Ok, I can handle being second best. That's the reason I was having a nervous/mental breakdown anyways. Claire beat me in a race.

Bella: Yes, she 's a clever one

Alice: *bursts through wall* You guys make a great couple!

Jacob: AHHHHHH!!! MY NOSE, IT BURNS!!! *cowers behind Bella*

Alice: See?! Isn't that sweet?

Both: ???

Alice: So just kiss her already!

Jacob: Claire?!

Alice: *sarcastic even in insanity* yeah, Claire.

Jacob: Ooooooookay?

Alice: No you idiot, Bella!

Jacob: Ahkayyyy-

**Let's keep it G-rated people! 10 seconds later...**

Alice: *randomly bursts into flames* Awwww that's the fourth time this week!

Bella: That wasn't weird...

Jacob: definitely not weird...

*kiss kiss*

**Awww happy ending! No not to the story you silly-billy pumpkin-lily, to the chapter! We have wayyy too many more random phrases to end the story here. Please review because=2 0your reviews make us eager to leak some of the insanity in our heads onto the computer for you...ok, I'm going to shut up now...muffins!**


	4. Chapter 4

**While yelling at a band that couldn't come up with it's own lyrics, TwilitisVictim fell out of an extremely tall tree, hit her head while falling, landed on her spine o n a root, and then proceeded to roll down a hill (also covered with roots) then started laughing hysterically for the next four minutes. Oh? No, she's fine. We just thought you'd find that interesting...In fact, after the hysterics were over, she climbed right back up, and did a backflip of the same branch to show it who's boss....anyhoo here's the chapter-let's see what's going on with Edward and Tanya shall we?**

Jacob: *lets out breath and stops plugging nose since Alice left to go "tickle some midgets"* Bella, what was that you were saying about Edward? And who's Tanya?

Bella: Tanya is a frie-well i guess more than a friend now but you know what i mean- is a friend of Edward's. I got a text from Edward saying that he was dumping me for her and that they were going to go "play"-

Jacob: Eww

Bella: Let me finish!......oh right I was done *grins sheepishly* **((A/N:Wait that doesn't even make any sense-last time I checked, sheep don't grin...back to the story))**

Jacob: I oughtta kick his sorry **((keep it G-rated))**...butt for all he's done to you!

Bella: Wait no! I still lov- no, nevermind, he can go die in a hole for all I care.

Jacob: Let's go!

Bella: Let's?

Jacob: Yeah, I'm not leaving you all alone with Alice on the loose! She might mistake you for a migdet...even thought she is one herself.

Bella: I call shot-gun!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

**After a quick trip to the mousetrap section of Bed, Bath, and Beyond in South Korea...**

**Jacob: Ooh! Motorcycles! **

**Bella: I now know what the "Beyond" means.**

**Jacob: Shiny...*runs off***

**Bella: Sure just leave me to face the vampires all by myself, that works. *walks down the mousetrap aisle, sees Edward and Tanya* Woah, did not need to see that!**

**Edward: *puts on clothes at vampire speed* Bella!...uhh...ummm**

**Bella: Yeah? *skeptical***

**Edward: Bella, I...I...I... What I did was horrible. I hate myself. I don't know what got into me!**

**Bella: Silly Edward! You already said all that in New Moon!**

**Edward:???**

**Bella: Save it. I've heard all that before. Day after Italy remember?**

**Edward: Bella, I love you!!!**

**Tanya: Ohhh no he di-int! *snaps "z"***

**Alice: *appears out of nowhere with armfuls of midgets* Ohhh yes he di-id!**

**Tanya: Well you can go to Jolly Pirate Donuts and take a two-hour s***!! for all I care ((For those of you who watch "Torretes Guy"-XD!!!!!)) **

**Alice: *drops midgets* You wanna mess?! **

**Tanya: Let's go!**

**Bella: Go die in a hole, Edward!**

**Edward: Anything for you my love! *dies in a conveniently placed hole***

**Bella:...That was easy.........*snaps out of it* Jacob!**

**Jacob: Yes, shiny-I mean...what?**

**Bel la: We can go now.**

**Jacob: That was fast.**

**Bella: Exactly what thought.**

**Ok, I've pretty much run out of things to say here so I'm just gonna make them leave now.**

**Back at home...**

**Jacob: So...**

**Bella: So...**

**Jacob: So what did exactly happen to Edward?**

**Bella: He died in a hole.**

**Jacob: Oh well now that that's **_**all**_** cleared up.**

**Bella: Jacob, I love you**

**Jacob: I love you too.**

**OK back to crazy Alice!!! Thank you guys sooo much for reading this so far. I've had a bunch of ideas jumbled up in my head for a while and now that I've gotten this great of a response (two reviews in under an hour on the first chapter) I think I'm going to pursue some of them.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Alice is back at the house**

Alice: *hyped up after kicking Tanya's butt* Hi Esme!

Esme: Alice, why did you spontaneously disappear? You weren't shopping were you?

Alice: No, I was busy "taking care" of Tanya

Esme: You did _**what**_ with Tanya?! **((Haha. Silly perverted Esme))**

Alice: No, I was killing her.

Esme: Oh...That's not going to go over well with Irina ((and her other sister, Whose name escapes me)), but it doesn't matter because she dies in Breaking Dawn anyways.

Alice: I don't think there's going to be a Breaking Dawn.

Esme: What? Why not? That was my favorite book in the entire series! **((Haha double silly perverted Esme))**

Alice: Well, because the insanely Team Jacob author made a story about _me_ into a Jacob/Bella. **((Oh shiz they're onto me!!!!))**

Esme: I love those! Thinks: M-rated section iz da bom

Says: Wait, did you say author?

Alice: Yeah she made them get together, she made Bella kill Edward **((Hahaha yesssss))**...and now that I think about it...SHE MADE CARLISLE TAKE AWAY MY CREDIT CARD AS A PLOT DEVICE!!!!! Curse you Author, curse youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Esme:Edward's dead?!?!?! Wait, Why am I surprised? One, The author is so Team Jacob it's scary, and two, Edward was Emo, he was bound to die sometime.

Alice((Whom I forgot was supposed to be having a mental/nervous breakdown)):Turn off the radio so I don't go blind!!!

Esme:*rolls eyes* Here we go again

Alice: That's what she said!!!

Esme: *eyes glaze over* I want a shirt that says that...

=0

Alice: You perv! Thinks: Author? Are you there?

Hallucinatory Elves: We're here Alice, we're aaalways heeeeere.

Alice: Good to know

Esme: What's good to know?

Alice: That the Alzheimer's refund is right over there *points to the bathroom*

Esme: The bathroom's that-a-way!! *sighs* I've always wanted to say that **((Apparently Alice's craziness is contagious))**

Alice: Spoonful of turkey-melons!

Esme: Really?

Alice: *sings* Once there was an elephant who lived in a lake, the the old lady came and hit him with a rake.

Esme: *with a British accent* I couldn't help but notice how you said _the_ old lady as oppose to _an_ old lady. Is there a historical old lady living at the lake in which you speak?

Alice: Haha! you sound like Robert Pattinson!

Esme: He plays Edward nicely.

**((No, this isn't a "What if the Cullens Found Out There Was a Book About Them" Story. The Cullens are just not that stupid that they wouldn't know what **_**TWILIGHT**_** was))**

Alice: *trying to get on my good side* I think Robert Pattinson and Edward suck

Esme: Hahahaha!

Alice:What?

Esme: You said you think they both suck and a tiny voice in the back of my head said "blood"

AUTHOR: Was it an elf?

Alice: but Robert Pattinson doesn't suck blood

Esme: Or does he???

AUTHOR: Esme, are you drunk?

Alice: No, it's just either exposure to me or lack of Carlise. Speaking of lack.....and Carlisle.....WHY DID YOU MAKE HIM TAKE AWAY MY CREDIT CARDS

AUTHOR: uhhhh sunflower seeds?

Alice: I see the light.

Esme: Do uh bugs go to heaven? I _kinda_ doubt it. Raid: Kills bugs. Gone.

Alice: I'm gonna have to say me-exposure and lack of Carlisle. Both.

**Okay another chapter done. God, that was a long one. I'm feeling proud of myself. This writing stuff is really easy. And I've been told this story has great grammar too, so I'm **_**really**_** proud of myself. Hey, has anybody noticed how many Author's Notes I've put in here, and how incredibly long (for an author's note) each one is. And every single word I write is adding to this author's-note-on-steroids... -TwilitisVictim**


	6. I Am The Worst Author EVER!

I AM THE WORST AUTHOR EVER. Ohmigad ohmigad ohmigad ohmigad ohmiGAAAAAAAD!!!!! I'M SOSOSOSOSOSOSO sorry I haven't updated in like four months or something crazy it's just one: its summer and I go to a day camp with my friends the same way I would go to school. Two: My grandparents were talking to my mom about how they were going up to some place in Washington in their trailer cuz they like to travel and they have a cousin that's having a wedding and I'm just like I soo don't care…hey…wait! Isn't that near Forks? And My Grandma's all "Iono" so I Google it and it's really really close to Forks So I'm like you guys are soo freaking taking me!!! So we went up to Forks where I deafened the locals with my fangirl shrieks and we went to La Push where I truly and honestly passed out. It turns out that in Forks they have this really cool store called Dazzled by Twilight and it's full of completely Twilight stuff and they give tours too and…AAARRRGH! I'm getting off topic-I blame the ADHD I don't have. Aaaaand three, the typical authors' excuse: I HAD FRICKING WRITER'S BLOCK deal with it

Buuut on the way up to Forks I finally got off my lazy aaaa-donkey and wrote a chapter. But the ADHD I don't have forbid me to remember to e-mail the chapter to myself so I went to my Dad's house chapterless. Allow meh to explain… At my Mom's house I have a Mac. Mac does not have Microsoft Word (obviously); it has a thing called "Pages". is trying to kill me for hating Edward so much (yes I am aware it contains more than just twilight fics, but not in my retarded world it doesn't) and so a document typed on Pages cannot be accepted by the website for all your Jacob/Bella needs. So now poor old chapterless meh is at mah Dad's house on a dinosaur of a computer waiting for me to go to my Mom's house (we switch off every Friday jtlyk). When I get to my Mom's house the first thing I'm going to do is copy and paste the chapter onto an e-mail, e-mail it to myself, and wait until the NEXT Friday so I can come to my Dad's house, copy and paste the e-mail onto a Microsoft Word document, aaaand finally post it. Btw, I'm even sorrier than Jacob when he told Bella they couldn't be friends anymore that you probably thought this was a chapter and that I juked you. I juked you real baaaaaaddd…*disappears mysteriously in puff of Team Jacoby smoke*

-TwilitisVictim


	7. Back on Track

**Oh my god guys I'm so sorry!!! I found out about a month or two ago that my grandparents were going on a roadtrip to Washington. I didn't care because they go on roadtrips all the time. They...you know what I'm just going to get to the point...I WENT TO FORKS/LA PUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...!....!................!!!....!............cat**

**Any ways I'm back, and posting on this story again so here we go.**

**Disclaimer (haha I don't even know what the means)**

**I am not Stehenie Meyer. I do not own any of the characters. I don't own...*decides what random crap to put in this chapter and write around it* Wahoo's Fish Tacos, any other crazy Alice/Emmett stories, or Gelatin brand gelatin.**

**Alice: But someday she will own Jacob and they will have beautiful retard little puppy/babies**

**AUTHOR: Very good Alice**

**Alice: Thank you. Can we start the chapter now?**

**AUTHOR: I think it's already started.**

**Alice: Well, in that case I think you should switch back into normal font so the readers know the chapter has started now...**

**AUTHOR: **good idea Alice, and to help the chapter along even more...*Esme, furniture, and other random crap appear in the forest*

Esme: WTF?!?!

Alice: Esme, wacho mouth

Esme: That's nacho cheese

Alice: Tru Dat

Esme: so would you mind explaining why we just randomly appeared in the middle of a forest?

Alice: Because Emmett wrecked the house, and I don't want to help him rebuild it.

Esme: Is he high???

Alice: He's sugar-high

Esme: Oh c'mon Alice! that is so over-used!!!

Alice: your mom's over-used

Esme: seriously, how many fanfictions can you think of that involve you or Emmett getting into some human food, like sugar, and going insane and breaking something/saying random things?

Alice: ummm...1...2...9...0...6...4...5...pistachio

Esme: you need to be paying attention in scho-Again I say, WTF?!

Dr. Phil: *appears out of nowhere* well hello Alice

Alice: No

Dr. Phil: Yes

Alice: NO

Dr Phil: YES

Esme: MAYBE

Dr. Phil: Alice, I think we need to work out some of your problems. Why are you so obsessed with shopping? Are you in denial?

Alice: *vampire sniffle* I shop so much to take my mind off the one thing I miss about being human.....

Dr. Phil: And that would be...

Alice: WAHOO'S FISH TACOS!!!

Esme: They have good beef tacos there.

Alice: We're vegetarians you idiot!

Dr. Phil: Well maybe she meant they have good Tofurkey be ef tacos there.

Alice: isn't that made of Gelatin brand gelatin?

Esme: NO, creative name though

Dr. Phil: MAYBE... I could actually care less *yawns*

Alice: YES. And gelatin is made of...

Santa: *pops out of bush* Cow hooves!!! *pops back down into bush*

Alice: exactly, thank you Mr. Claus

Santa : *ghostly* HO Ho hoooo.....

Esme:so technically Tofurkey is made of....RETCH!!!!!

Alice: and that pretty much sums up this boring chapter...

AUTHOR: See you next time on...

All: YOU DON'T MESS WITH A PIXIE!!!

AUTHOR: g'bye everyone g'bye. G'bye now.

watch your step there. G'bye...

**So I pretty much hated that chapter, because I had writers block and just looked out the window until some idea came to me, then I wrote it down. And no, Tofurkey is not actually made of cow hooves but I found out that Gelatin is... I will never eat Jello again...**

**Yeah so I've pretty much run out of things to say here so I'm just gonna shut up now**


	8. Da Pack: FOTC

**Ooook so if you haven't heard the song "Bowie's in Space" by Flight of the Concords then you suck…well not really but you're missing out on some pretty important stuff. It's my favorite song cuz it's so funny. I'd advise you hear the song before you read this chapter or else it won't make any sense…but isn't that the point of this story??? Well, do whatever you want. I'm just some random girl who has no life outside of Bella/Jacob fanfictions so I'm not really in any position to be giving you advice… Oh! I almost forgot the entire reason for me talking about that song (This one's all on the ADHD I don't have…curse you forgetfulness, curse youuuuuuu) -pretty much everybody in this chapter is talking like the people in that song except for Jacob so yeah read. **

**MEH!!! One more thing (I swear this is the last time I promise) I decided it was time to do one with the pack (except for Seth cuz he sucks eggs) because the pack makes everything funnier.**

**Yeah…I lied… I'm not quite done talking yet but I swear on Breaking Dawn that this is the last time I'm gonna say anything so here we go: don't come kill me in my sleep (like I'm gonna do to Edward tonight even though he doesn't actually sleep freak of nature retard) because I don't like Seth. I'm just pissed because one of my Team Jacob friends has converted to the Seth side because she thinks he's cute or something. Well yeah Alexa? Seth is just like a younger Jacob only he's retardeder because…because…because I said so! No offense to Stephenie Meyer because her son's name is Seth so yeah……**

**Ha! Fooled you! I don't even like Breaking Dawn so swearing on it and lying doesn't bother me (too much Edward/Bella, too much Jacob in pain, too much Alien Super Baby ((that's right-I don't even like the offspring of Edward. I don't even want to so much as hear about anything to do with him so there )) ) Ohhh crap I forgot what this one was for…oh yeah it was a Disclaimer or something so yeah…I don't own Twilight or any of it's characters and I don't own any Flight of the Concords songs except on MyPod…I need to shut up now and write the story, but I don't remember what I was going to write about so I guess I'll have to do it on writer's block which equals: crappy chapter *sad sad***

**Warning: This chapter is rated A for awesomeness, B for bananas, and C for some slight cussing.**

**Jacob's POV:**

Jacob: *is driving the Rabbit to La Push back from Bella's house where he was after Edward died so yah…* Little bunny foo foo, hoppin' through the forest, scoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head *bops the steering wheel on the head which causes it to honk, which causes him to think his car is possesed, which causes him to get out of little bunny foo foo (a.k.a. the Rabbit) *

Jacob: Stupid little bunny foo foo! I'll never play with you again!! *phases*

Paul: *is also phased* _mmmmmBowie's in space! What'cha doing up there man? That's pretty freaky Bowie. Does the space cold make your nipples go all pointy Bowie? Do you use your pointy nipples as microscopic radio antennae to send data back to ear-_

_Jacob: Paul!!! _

_Paul: What the hell, Bowie? I thought I was alone on patrol because The AUTHOR dropped Seth into the unliked characters bin, and you come bouncing along like ficking little bunny foo foo!_

_Jacob: Paul have you been listening to Flight of The Conchords songs again?_

_Paul: No…_

_J-izzle fo shizzle…drizzle: Oh, who cares-I kissed Bella!!!_

_P: I bet you did, you freaky old bastard youuuu._

_J: Goddamnit, Paul stop singing that! Did you even hear what I just said?_

_P: Did you say it's business time?_

_J: …..No…?_

_P: Then, no. I didn't hear you._

_J: I SAID-_

_P:……_

_J: Paul, how could you could me off with a "…"? That's not even physically pos-_

_P:……_

_J: …Sooo_

_P: Sooooo…_

_J: Are you wearing your business socks?_

_P: My what?_

_J: Your business socks-didn't you say it was business time?_

_P: I'm not even wearing any clothes dipsh*t_

_J: Not nice._

_P:…_

_J:……Wait, but if you're not wearing any clothes then doesn't it make it business time even more?_

_P: ………..Pretty party clothes crocheted of snowwww_

_Jacob: Cantaloupe_

_Sam: You called me?_

_Jacob: What? No, I said cantaloupe._

_Sam: The distant future…_

_Jacob: oh again with the Flight of the Conchords, man?_

_Jared: The year two-thousand._

_Jacob: Where are you guys even coming from? Some warning would be nice!_

_Quil and Embry: *phase-_

_Jacob: thank you, that's better_

_Quil and Embry: Finally, robotic beings rule the world._

_All except for Jake: Once again without emoo-tion: the humans are dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead deeeeuuuurrrr……._

_Jacob: I KISSED BELLA AND EDWARD IS DEAD!!!_

_All: *snap out of it* Oh, congratulations man. It's about time. Filthy bloodsucker._

_Jacob:………..There's people on the street-_

_Pauk: Getting' diseases from monkeys._

_Jacob: Yeah, that's what I said they're getting' disseeeeeases from monkeys now there's-_

_Jared: Junkeys with monkey disease_

_Embry: Who's touching these monkeys puh-lease-_

_Quil: Leave these poor sick monkeys alone_

_Leah: *phases* They've got prolems enough as it iiiiss_

_ALL: ……………._

_Leah:…….what?_

_Sam: FAIL_

_ALL: yaaaaaay!!!!_


	9. Chapter 9

**Yeah so you all know that I am the worst updater ever and you already know the typical excuses I use but I have three new ones to add to the list of reasons I never update:**

**The ADHD I don't have**

**all-around laziness**

**writers block**

**4.(New) I'm getting used to the junior high homework load still**

**5.(New) I'm too busy reading other people's amazing fanfictions to care about my own**

**6.(New) I don't remember the third one now…**

**This chapter is a shoutout to my newly Team Jacob friends Cam and Sabrina. Hope you enjoy the switch from Jasper to Jacob. Glad you finally saw things my way ;D**

Back at the newly rebuilt Cullen house…….

Alice: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy birrrthday toooooo youuuuuuuu!!!

Esme: Ughhh

Jacob: *walks in pushing Bella in a wheelbarrow* What _is_ that noise?! It's hurting my awesome wolfy ears

Esme: It's Alice-she says she won't stop singing until Carlisle comes back

Bella: ahehe! I like wheelbarrows!!!

Alice: Your mom likes wheelbarrows!

Esme: Yes we've all established Renee's creepy wheelbarrow fetish

Jacob: ummm……….

Bella: cornbreadddd……..

Alice: SHAMFRICKING-WOW!! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppppy birthdayyyyyy-

Esme: Ok that's it I'm getting Carlise!!!

Alice: yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayy!

Esme:*takes out Dora's map* dododododo Dora! dododododoDora! Yyyyyyaaaaaay! *runs super speed to wherever the hell Carlisle is and brings him back*

Alice: Where have you guys been it's been like four whole minutes!

Jacob: we only got four minutes to save the world!

Bella: Wait, why are we even in this chapter?

Esme: I don't know…..you can stay if you want tho

Jacob: Okay, whatever

Alice: Carlise…

Carlise: Alice…

Alice: Why did you take my credit cards???

Carlise: Okay, better get this over with. Alice, you see…everything happens for a reason

Bella: mmm that's true

Carlisle: For example: When I first changed, I absolutely hated myself. I had become this monster, created with one purpose-to kill. I was a bloodthirsty product of hell. But, if I never had become a vampire, I never would have been able to save all those people, all those lives that would have been lost without my heightened senses. If I had never been bitten, I never would have saved Edward-

Jacob: ohhh….shit…

Carlise: Esme, -

Esme: aww :*)

Carlise: Rosalie, or Emmett. And I never would have met you…..orr….orrrrrr…..

Alice: or what?

Carlise: or that other kid. I never would have met that other kid you brought with you. The one that's always constipated. What's his name again?

Alice: Ouuuuu it's on the tip of my tongue…

Carlise: something with an "per" in it

Alice: Yeah, Yeah

Carlisle: A-…as-….Assper?

Alice: Aww, yeah, Assper! Now you've got it!

Carlisle: yeah, If I'd never become a vampire, I'd never have met and saved Assper from a horrible life of slaughtering for sustenaince. Speaking of which, I haven't hunted in a while. Anyone want to go with me?

Esme: Not me, I just went

Alice: not me

Jacob: I'm not…yeah

Bella: I like wheelbarrows!

Carlizzle: I'llllll take that last one as a no… Maybe Edward or Rosalie or Assper or whatevr wants to come with me.

Bella/Jacob: Edward…..yeahhhhh….

Carlizzle: what?

Bella: he's kind of……………..Dead…

Carlizzle: WHAT?!

Jacob: *eyes glaze over* Shiny….


	10. What Happens When It All Ends?

**Guys, I had a scary thought just now: What happens when all the Twilight movies are done? What will we do then? I'm afraid that the people who are just getting into it (the obsession, that is) will start to fall off the Twilight train if it runs out of steam, you know what I mean? Seriously, they just finished filming Eclipse. I'm afraid that I will have another depression stage just like when I finished reading Breaking Dawn. "My life has no meaning!" Sobbing to all our friends-yeah, we've all been there. But we always had the movies to lean back on, to look forward to. When they finish filming Breaking Dawn, the day the last movie comes out (no matter how many movies they decide to make), what will we do? **

**They're filming fast because Robert Pattinson in real life actually ages as do the rest of the Cullens. I know it's for the best, and the waiting kills me, but I wish they would slow down a bit. **

**Now, I briefly considered having Chuck Norris come in and kill everybody, but I think that would upset you guys…so now I'm not really sure what to do with this story. I have no clue how to set up a poll so I'm just going to ask for reviews for answers: Would you rather I keep up the unorthodox pace of updating when I'm feeling especially random, or just end the fricking story already and let you get on with your lives? I'm really freaking out about the whole depression thing right now so yah… I might do a quick snippet of a scene involving where Edward is right now since I had Bella sort of kill him, but I don't want that to insult anybody's religion or anything idk so yeah tell me what you think about the story or the movies or whatever the heck you feel like saying, and press the magic green button below **

**(4, 000 free internets awaits **** )**


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